Making a change, for the better.

It is always there, watching, lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike its vulnerable prey. I just so happen to be that prey, and my depression is my biggest predator.
It seems to get worse in waves, I will be fine for a while, and then BAM it hits and all my hope is gone. Being pregnant and having all of that added hormone bull crap doesn’t help one bit.
As I was lying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep, it felt like a big wave came and took my under. I so desperately wanted to just cry myself to sleep, but I have done that so many nights that I refused to give into its seducing allure.
My husband was sound asleep, just inches from me, snoring peacefully, after a long night at work. It made me realize that I always seem to be the most depressed when I am surrounded by those that I love.  You would think being surrounded by loved ones would cheer me up, brighten my day, but it does not. I don’t have many friends in this town, and the only family I have is my husbands. It is hard. My husband always tells me “each person controls how they react to a situation.” It is true. I control how I react, and ultimately how I feel.
I decided I need to make a change, and try and look at things on the brighter side. I also need to try and figure out what causes me to be so sad, and see if there is a pattern to the waves. One of the things that will help me in doing that, is to remember to do things for myself every once and a while. That is a simple idea really, but one I struggle with. I don’t feel as though I am worthy enough to do something for me.
Well I started that change last night. I did not give in to the oh so decadent idea of rolling over and crying my self to sleep like the so, so many pervious nights. No, instead, I picked up my kindle and started to read. I got a kindle a couple of months ago, and at first read all the time, then my depression took over and I didn’t pick the thing up for weeks at a time. I even contemplated selling it, why own a $100 electronic if you are never going to use it. Slowly I have been picking it up more and more. I have decided that every night, instead of laying in bed desperate to fall asleep, I will pick up that kindle and read. Now ever since I was a kid reading has given me more energy, rather then tire me out, so I am giving my self a limit. I will read no more than 5 chapters a night, that might seem like a lot, but I read fast. I so wanted to finish my book last night, but instead I put it down once I reached my goal.
Ultimately, rather then being stricken with grief and allowing my brain to go in a vicious circle of sadness, I was able to give my brainy some fictional zombie goodness to ponder.
I am happy to say that I chose to react differently to a situation, and I succeeded.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Angie Smith
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 16:27:00

    Way to go, Maggie, We are all here for you and you are very important. Remember, we have to make time for ourselves. Hope you enjoy reading on your Kindle.

    Reply

  2. segarsmommy
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 18:07:41

    Way to go girl. Depression gets the best of us.i am so proud of you for recognizing that ugly monster right off and not giving into it. Love you girl and am always here if you need me.

    Reply

  3. Audrey
    Aug 24, 2011 @ 09:03:48

    Way to go on making the change. Over the years, I’ve found motivational books help a lot. It can really help you rethink things. For example instead of you only have your husbands family what about “I’m so lucky that I don’t have to deal with my family” I offer that small change because so many people I know do not enjoy spending time with their own families. You don’t have to 🙂 I also love to read autobiographies. It’s really neat to read about other people’s lives, where they’ve been, what they’ve overcome etc. Happy Wednesday 🙂

    Reply

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