Why Does Depression have to be so hard??

I am so sick of constantly being depressed… I am so sick of constantly having to make up excuses for not getting something done, or when I don’t do something I want to do. If I don’t set goals for myself then i will never move forward, but at the same time I feel as though if I don’t set goals for myself then I wont fail them and I wont hurt as bad.

I don’t like to fail, I don’t do well with it. I have always been a competitive person in anything that I do. When I loose or fail at something I feel like crap and that I am worthless. It probably stems from years of being told that I am no good or that I would never amount to anything. I just don’t like to fail. My husband and I don’t play board games, even though it one of my favorite things to do, because he wins and then I get mad at him. When I win I still get mad at him because I think he let me win and I didn’t really win. I’m messed up I know.

I didn’t accomplish my Personal Challenge of the Day. I am going to turn it into Personal Challenge of the Week instead because I don’t think that right now in my life I can do a personal challenge of the day. I also have yet to get back into my daily routines which really hurts me. I really need to get back into the swing of things before everything falls apart again. I felt like I had finally gotten my house under control, and in turn it made me feel SO much better about my self. Now the house is slowly becoming messy over and over again. I have yet to finish the bed room. I don’t pick up the living room each night before I go to bed like I used to. I don’t clean the kitchen counters and make sure the dishes are done like I used to. Its hard because my kitchen counters were always my favorite thing to do, it was quick, easy, and the most rewarding of all of it. I would wake up and the kitchen would look sparkly because the counters were clean and clear, and the sink was empty and shinny. I need to do that again.

I just cant get the motivation to do anything. I was laying on the couch today after Janice woke me up and I was kinda falling asleep. She came up to me and said ‘Momma, its not dark any more, why wont you wake up?” I almost started crying. What kind of mother am I where my child has to wake me up each morning because I don’t want to get out of bed, or get off the couch. The worst part about it is that I still didn’t really get off the couch. I sat up, but didn’t really get up. I didn’t leave the house once today, because I just didn’t want to. I am afraid that if something doesn’t happen soon, I will stop doing my menu planning and then we will be screwed.. there would be NO way we would survive right now on just Andy’s check if we still went out to eat as often as we used to. We used to go out to eat 4-5 times a WEEK, since I started menu planning at the end of May, we have maybe gone out to eat 2-3 times.

I just don’t know where to start. Everyone keeps telling me I need to see a shrink, I need to get on pills, I need to have someone to talk to. I have never had luck with psychiatrists before. I have seen my fair share and they have all betrayed me. I don’t want to take pills for my depression. My mom has been taking pills since I was 5 years old and has become an addict, even though she would never admit it. I don’t want to turn out like that. I don’t even like taking pills for a head ache or anything like that. I refuse for my daughter to see me take a pill each day and think that you need a pill in order to get through the day. I do agree that i need someone to talk to, but everyone who tells me that is supposed to be family. Family that knows I am suffering from depression and doesn’t make any efforts to call and see how I am doing. Family that couldn’t even call me on my birthday, family that lives less than 100 feet from me and cant even stop by to see if I am doing okay when I have been in the house all day long and cant get out of bed. I don’t think that sounds like family at all.

When my mother in law was depressed I called her EVERY DAY sometimes two or three times a day to see how she was doing. Most weeks, on my one day off each week, I would drive an hour to go see how she was doing. She started anti-depressants feels much better now and MAYBE calls me once a week, even though she knows how bad I am doing right now. She has even told me before that she knows she isn’t being very supportive and knows she needs to do better, she then will say that she will try harder and doesn’t, it actually gets worse. I don’t understand it, but there is nothing I can do about that.

Something needs to change in my life. I would prefer for it to be sooner rather than later, for my families sake. It just so hard because I feel like I am fighting this battle alone. I know that feeling isolated is one of the things that people suffering from depression really have a hard time with. It is a personal battle so I guess it makes since that I should fight it alone, I just feel like if I hard someone there in my corner, cheering for me and pushing me forward, that this would be a much easier fight. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I do know that if I don’t deal with my issues and work through these things first that I will never be truly happy. Right now I just want to work on being able to get out and do things, and being able to accomplish something I have set out to do. I also want to work on being a better parent to my daughter, rather then her having to be the parent to me.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nikki P.
    Jul 29, 2009 @ 00:27:18

    My dear Magen, I love you and I miss you. Let me know how I can help. Also, I am awake at bizarre times most nights. Call me. Any time. ANY time! I will listen. My phone is on right now.

    I can relate very much to what you are going through … I am going to write you a letter and put it in the mail tomorrow.

    A few things that ran through my mind as I was reading your blog:

    Thirty years from now, it won’t matter if your counters were clean or if you had every toy picked up. I can’t tell you how many of my mother’s friends have said, “I wish I would have spent less time cleaning and more time with my children. They grew up so fast!”

    I agree, a clean house makes ME always feel better. But please don’t feel like it needs to be your first priority. Your first priority should be YOU, Magen! You are an amazing person, and you deserve to be happy. If you focus on making YOU happy, you will become the mother and wife you want to be. (And whatever else you want to be!)

    Do what makes you happy. And call me RIGHT NOW if you would like.


  2. l3esmith
    Jul 29, 2009 @ 00:32:36

    I feel your pain. I honor and respect your honesty in sharing that here. Getting it off your chest in writing has to help some.

    As for what to do about it, put it this way: Don’t let pride be the reason you continue to suffer. I understand your concern about the example you’re setting for your daughter, but consider this: right now, you’re teaching her how to not reach out for help when she needs it. You’re teaching her how to put her own pride ahead of what’s best for those around her.

    Please do not use those words to beat yourself up some more. Don’t do that. Be kind to yourself. Get an appointment with a therapist. Take antidepressants if you must. Meditate. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS.

    A couple of other thoughts:

    Depression leads to feelings of worthlessness. One way to restore your sense of worth — the sense that your life matters — is to be of service. Find an avenue to do some good for someone else. To ease yourself into it, expand on something you already do — if you read to your daughter, try reading to her entire class. Do something nice for your mother-in-law. Collect some canned goods for the food bank. And involve other members of your family, if they’re willing. The point is, that you need to see how your actions — no matter how small or insignificant to you — can make someone else’s life better.

    Stop judging yourself. As a person who has used his own failures to beat himself up, take it from me: leave the “shoulds” and “supposed tos” behind. It’s all in the past, and you can’t do anything about it. Don’t even worry about tomorrow. The question is, who are you going to be TODAY, in this MOMENT?

    Finally, forgive, forgive, forgive. Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you’ve made. Forgive your mother-in-law. Forgive anybody and everybody. It’s all just baggage holding you down. Remember this: People who have wronged you (including yourself) were just doing what they thought was best at the time, given their experiences and worldview. If they (YOU) had known a better way to reach their objectives, they’d have done it. Human shortcomings are born out of a lack of knowledge, not a lack of good intentions.

    I will put you on a prayer list over on my site. If you need some good vibes, something positive, come over and check us out.

    Blessings and peace to you,



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