Funerals, Birthdays and Children

So this has been an extremely emotional weekend for me. I really wish that today WASN’T my birthday because it will forever be surrounded by this tragedy now.

Sunday was the memorial for my cousin, and then we was buried Monday morning. Sunday was also my nephews second birthday on my husbands side and although it was fun it was a very emotional day for me. I was really upset that I could not be there and felt really guilty that I was swimming. If it was up to me I wouldn’t have gone to my nephews party at all and would have just spent the day at home alone. Thankfully my husband didn’t think that was a good idea and dragged me out of the house.

It was hard though, and it also made me realize that the family I married into was a somewhat inconsiderate bunch. Most of the people that were that know that my cousins memorial was the same day and NO ONE asked me how I was doing. Maybe its just me being selfish and I just expected people to ask me how I was holding up, especially since they already know that I am going through a pretty bad depression right now. Even my dad didn’t ask, which really shouldn’t surprise me because he has a hard time thinking about other people.

Monday was a pretty hard day overall and once again no one asked me how I was doing. Does everyone feel worse when someone doesn’t ask how you are or is it just me? I would like to think that I am not the only person who is like that but maybe I am. Other than going to the grocery store and bringing my dad to dialysis I didn’t leave the house. It makes me feel bad because when  I am depressed and don’t leave Janice doesn’t get to go out either and that’s not fair for her. She did get to go with me when I left, but she didn’t get to go to the park, or for a walk or anything like that. I know I have things I need to change in my life, but how do you go about changing them?

Today I woke up and felt pretty ill. I don’t know if I was just overly depressed, or exhausted since I didn’t get much sleep, or if I was actually sick with something. Andy was at work, he works the 4:30am-12:30 pm shift, and so when Janice was awake and ready to go I needed to get up also. We went into the living room, got her breakfast on, turned on the care bears and laid on the couch. Every time I would get up to get her things, get her down, or anything of the sort I would get really dizzy and start seeing spots so I would go lay down again. When Andy came home he made me something to eat and I took a shower and some Aleve and felt better within the hour. For my birthday we were going to have a picnic and then go hiking again, but guess I didn’t leave the house, and sadly Janice didn’t either.

I shouldn’t be this way. Its so beautiful here, the weather is nice, there is so much to do and yet I still cant get out of the house to do anything. I am only 23 years old, I shouldn’t be stuck inside the house. I know if I didn’t have Janice right now I wouldn’t even be getting out of the bed. I need to change though. Maybe what I need to do is set my self daily goals to get my butt into gear. I just don’t want to be home bound anymore, and I need to STOP making excuses!

For my birthday my husband got me a wonderful present, and it was something I have wanted for a long time!

my wonderful birthday present!!

my wonderful birthday present!!

It is an awesome art supply tool box! I have wanted one of these for quite some time and it really was a great present. he got it for me because he knows I have wanted to clean and organize my study for quite some time and he was hoping that this would give me the motivation I need to get it done. My goal is to work on it Thursday since that is Andy’s day off. There is no way that I will be able to work on it when Janice is awake, unless she was in her chair eating, and I know if I were to start on it when she was eating she would want to get down right away! I am going to take before and after pictures of it because it will hopefully be an amazing process!

My ‘studio’ is in the corner of our living room, and it has a baby play pen gate surrounding it so that Janice can’t get into it. Not a lot of space with A LOT of stuff so it will definetly be a fun process! My art bin is going to be transformed into my take along studio. When I go on a trip, or even to the park, I will be able to take my tool box with me and not have to worry about anything else. I am pretty excited about that and maybe this is just what I needed to start creating again!
My birthday breakfast dinner was delicious and the best part about it (other than the fact that I didn’t cook it) was that I didn’t have to clean up afterwards either!! Andy did two loads of dishes and made sure the counters were clean before he went to bed, it was so nice. The living room needs to be picked up a bit and I will probably be doing that before I head to bed! Overall I had a decent day. It doesn’t feel like my birthday what so ever, but it was still a nice day. I got to spend the day with my husband and daughter, we still have a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food in our stomach so I am sure that this birthday was better than some! In fact it was way better than some of MY past birthdays!! 🙂

I cant wait to try this pork chop casserole! It should definitely be an interesting meal! I will post pictures and the recipe tomorrow!!

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