Numbing my mind

Today has been an emotional day for me and I cant seem to figure out why! Janice decided to wake up nice and early at 6:45 and I was not ready to face the world yet. I wanted to stay in bed, relax and try and get her to fall back asleep. She had other plans for me that’s for sure. About 10 min after she came into my room  she told me she was simply starving and needed to eat!!

Normally when I wake up each day I will make her breakfast, start coffee, empty the dishwasher and then jump on facebook. LATELY when I wake up each day I make her breakfast, and jump on facebook. I had been doing so good in my routines and keeping my house clean and ever since we got home from vacation I just cant get the motivation to do it. When I first got my house clean I became obsessive about it, putting toys away when Janice went to the other room, not being able to go to bed until my kitchen counters were clean and sparkly! Now I’m lucky if I load the dishwasher each night at all!

There is a website I found, FlyLady, that saved my life. She tells you how to get your home back in order by taking baby steps and before the vacation I was doing fabulous! I have decided to start over again tomorrow and see what happens. It might actually be Monday because I am leaving to go out of town tomorrow but we will see what happens. I feel a little ashamed of my self that I need to start over, like I failed. I have a big problem with only thinking the worst of a situation and get very upset if I don’t accomplish things that I set out to do.

I have been trying to numb my mind since I woke up this morning. I am hoping that we get out and do something today although I might suggest we do it after a nap because I definitely need one. My cousin Philip’s memorial is tomorrow and I still cant believe that he is gone. I have dealt with death  a lot in my short 22 years but I still don’t grasp the reasons behind it. I cant figure out why everyone still grieves so much even though we all know that person is in a better place. Or why we cant accept it since it is the circle of life. I wish that there was an easy way to fix things when someone is hurt due to a loss of a loved one but there isn’t. There should be a magic button that when you press it you actually believe your words like “I should be happy! He doesn’t have to suffer anymore!” Unfortunately there is not a button!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Cristy
    Jul 19, 2009 @ 22:16:28

    Oh my!! I hadn’t heard about Phillip!! So sorry to hear that! Give your mom my best! Take care and we will talk to you soon!


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